Who are those little girls in pain
just trapped in castle of dark side of moon
Twelve of them shining bright in vain
like flowers that blossom just once in years
They’re dancing in the shadow
like whispers of love
just dreaming of a place
where they’re free as dove
They’ve never been allowed
to love in this cursed cage
It’s only the fairy tale they believe.
——–
I ran through my transcript and calculated my GPA after weighting factors.. still too low. I have to work extra hard to bring it up to “pass” level if I even want to apply for medical school…
I checked my transfer application status and it says admitted. But now I don’t know if it’s actually going to help my GPA at all if I transfer to life sci. I might just be giving up a shiny Engineering degree for absolutely nothing at all. I still have to ask if I can still back out now that they accepted me. A beautiful future look like a fairytale to me right now.
I suppose I can always back out and go into MBA or whatever and find a job there. But then my parents always shame me with what I could have been. It’s so annoying. Parents say they don’t mind whatever you do and you can and should choose your own path, but when you actually do they start nagging at you about what you could have became had you followed their path and how the path you chose right now is mundane. It’s such a letdown. Maybe it’s just my parents. Maybe they got used to living through the admiration from other parents because they had a daughter they could show off in most cases and suddenly the showoff was a failure and they felt disappointed. As if I’m not disappointed in myself. I used to proudly accept praises from others. Now they just seem like pressure. A whole lot of pressure against a liar who no longer shines. I don’t know how I’m supposed to smile and accept “you are so smart” when I really just feel like fleeing from the spot in shame. I think I’m beginning to understand some of the frustration that I never thought I’d experience. Expect the unexpected eh?
And when I have emotional breakdowns, it pains me to realize what others cannot do for you. Surely I have friends who would ask what’s wrong, but when I actually tell them, I don’t expect anything other than “ganbatte” from them. It doesn’t actually help me, but since they’ve never experienced it, I can’t expect them to sympathize. I don’t even know if I want the sympathy. This is how it feels to be utterly alone?
Maybe I should just wrap myself up and curl under that mask I seem to have misplaced some time ago. After all, rain’s tear is unheard of.