Back
So I’m back.
Two weeks is not nearly enough to fully enjoy myself in Shanghai. It’s completely taken up by dining out with miscellaneous relatives and friends and shopping for things I need. I didn’t even get to play with my cousins once. I remember being all excited about going back and now I’m back to Toronto already. Time flies while I’m there.
My mum is still in Shanghai, so I’m all alone in Toronto. It makes me sad looking around the empty house knowing that I’m alone. Although school started again and I moved back to dorm, it wouldn’t have made a difference whether my house is empty or full, it still makes me lonely when I think about it. I have too strong a tie to Shanghai that I constantly want to go back. Most people being here for as long as I have already grew out of their home towns and rather stay here than going back. But I’m different. My family keeps my heart there. I think I want to work there when I find a job.
Toronto doesn’t feel like home. The lack of a complete family makes this place feel temporary. I don’t completely blend in with the culture because I grasp onto my traditional ideas with a passion. I’m afraid of changes, changes feel like losses. But when I go back to Shanghai, my lack of experience the past seven years makes me feel like an outsider again. I don’t really know what’s going on there and everything’s new. I feel like I’m trapped in the middle, not really belonging to either places. It makes me lonesome. But I feel slightly more comfortable in Shanghai. My relatives at least let me know that I exist and have some importance, even if I have to bear with being overly polite in that world of pretence.
I can’t wait until the next break to go back. I don’t know when that would be. Thinking about the upcoming summer break makes me hopeful, but thinking about the potential work I have to do during that break takes that hope away. I need something to look forward to again.
On a lighter note, I will be moving soon.