Cry
At some point I got used to dying in tests.. aiee. Now it’s like, yay 75! Or, yay above average! Yeah.
Aero exam is on monday and we still have new materials to cover on friday. That’s just not right. I’m already failing that course as is, I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get in that course any more. Everyone’s like I only got an 80. And there’s me struggling with 50s. I don’t get the math of it at all… =/ Gonna die now. I told my mum I’m spending the weekend at school doing reviews and she won’t let me. She wanted me to go home and do something irrelevent. Told her I’m going to fail and she started lecturing me on how I’m not allowed to fail. What do you mean, not allowed to fail? So if I didn’t spend my entire life on it, why am I not allowed to fail? Why must I be expected to be the best all the time? So what if you were the best of your time? Why must I become the same person you once were? I hate that course, I hate that entire program. I want to do bio. I don’t care if it’s all memorization. I /like/ it. I went into engineering for bragging right. Now I hate it. It’s all about this stupid physics and math that I wanted to avoid in the first place. So I sent myself to hell and must I be trapped in there forever? You said you don’t mind me switching out, then why am I not allowed to fail?
Why must you make me feel so guilty about being incompetant. I already lost confidence ages ago. Now I’m losing my ability to even cover it up. You told me “don’t tell me you are suffering if it’s the consequence of your own actions”. Now I obeyed and chose not to tell you, it apparently means I’m faking independence and am disobedient. Then you throw those cold words at me, on how you are powerless to control me. How does that work. What the hell am I /supposed/ to do then?! Why am I to be blamed either way?!
The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.