Rain’s blog

A city is a place where many people are lonesome together.

For about 7 years, I felt as if I lived in a vacuum. I didn’t feel connected to anybody around me. I was the stray thread hanging off the side of a giant spider web, so close yet so far away from the network woven in front of me. The feeling of isolation became a habit that was almost forced onto me. I’m not sure if I was entirely alone - someone once commented that I isolated myself by rejecting every helping hand offered to me - but I was definitely lonely. The difference between expectation and reality was quite vividly visualized before my eyes, though it is difficult to say whose fault it was. For years, this constant disappointment wrapped me in waves of confusion, depression, envy, and jealousy; I’ve cried, yelled, suffered and walked away. I didn’t belong anywhere, or so I felt. All this time, I was waiting for someone to understand me. But, perhaps some people only exist in dreams.

Then came along someone who claimed to understand me. I thought perhaps my wait was finally over. They seemingly easily pinpointed some of my deepest thoughts, to both my fear and my delight. I decided to give them a chance, to see if they were the person I was waiting for. Yet somehow, as time went by, I became more and more lonely again. When everything was in my way, was I really in the wrong lane? Maybe, just maybe, I ran into a bunch of stupid drivers? I blamed them for my misery, and that only caused more misery. Soon, I was on the rollercoaster again, heading straight down for ground zero. I’m not sure how many times was a heart supposed to break, but I’ve lost count on mine. Maybe I wasn’t meant to escape this cyclic fate. Maybe I was destined to be a sacrifice in this set of gears, ground over and over again until I was no more. I lost track of when I became so tired of everything. Sometimes, I miss my distant but stubbornly alive self.

Would you save a drowning girl?

Wouldn’t it be funny if the Sleeping Beauty didn’t wake up to the Prince’s kiss? o.o

—-
“Which road do I take?”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter. If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

What would you like to do with your life?

a. listen to parents
b. listen to parents
c. listen to parents
d. listen to parents
e. all of the above

.. lol.

Today I was happy.

Even though truthfully much of what I did was just stand around shilin’s table and watch people come and buy her stuff, still felt rather happy about finding a spot where I can stay. I tried to stand inside the booth and help her get stuff, but everytime I think the staff isn’t going to check, I get kicked out for not having a badge. I’m just so very good at jinxing myself xD I wandered around by myself for a bit in the artist alley and the dealer’s room and found my favourite voodoo dolls. Too bad they cost so much I didn’t want to buy them :( I really want one for my cellphone though. I also saw tsubasa mangas for 11 dollars each, but I think I’m just going to get the complete set in china or something. I saw Kaze-hime and poli-chan from DA… very different from how I imagined them. Holly was too busy glomping shilin to notice me xD but that’s okee. Someone realized who I am and asked me for an autograph, I was flattered hehe. Probably just riding off shilin’s popularity though lol.

The the guy sharing a table with Shilin didn’t sell much stuff. This makes me rethink about sharing a table with her next year. Maybe I will feel very defeated if I constantly compare myself with her and I know I won’t sell as much. Need to learn to be easily satisfied. :)

I cosplayed as my original character, except nobody knows about her so nobody knew who I dressed up as. Two people that I lined up with spent an hour trying to guess who i was but was too embarrassed to ask. Some random guy told me I looked like his original character so I was like o.o I’m dressing up as my own chara? But he ended up giving me a free print for dressing up so I was like yay xD I also raided shilin’s prints, thiefing a copy each hahaha. I saw a lot of really nice costumes, making me want to make my own next year so it actually fits me x) I like Lolita dress and/or flowing dresses. Gotta learn how to sew. :( If Shilin dresses up as RO then I might do Sohee. I ♥ Sohee *o*

Maybe I will upload some photos later.

Anthro and quantum’s marks are back. o.o I like how whether or not I studied made no difference in the final grade that I got. Currently I /just/ failed quantum before belling, but since prof emailed us going “you can view the current histogram, but it will get adjusted in arriving at the final grade.” I’m guessing it will be belled enough that I will pass. Okees. =/ The class average for the final was 45%. lawlz;;

I guess I’m not going to medical school after all lol. My mum’s friend was all like you shouldn’t give up blah blah! Always look forward! But you know, that is provided there is something to look at in front of you. Right now there is none. I will just be wasting time staring into nothingness if I look blindly ahead. I think it’s much easier to switch to something more achievable than dying to reach for the something that’s clearly not going to happen.

Feeling like walking in a valley surrounded by to piercing cliffs, looking up at the thin strip of sky appearing out of reach. Once upon a time I was up at the mountain top bathing in sunlight, but somehow I must’ve mis-stepped and fell through the thin crack between the cliffs down into the abyss. Maybe I wasn’t destined to fly. Maybe I was supposed to live with the crocodiles, trying my best not to get devoured in this creek of desperate competition. Survival of the fittest, eh?

.. At least I have a job now. For a little while.

Where is the glowing light within my heart?

Once in a while I need to not feel so completely slaughtered :(

+dropkicks professors+

I think bio was my only passable exam -_- oiy vai.

—–

Missed AN pre registration deadline by 1 hour and 30 minutes. I always throught Shilin didn’t want to share with me, so I never dared to ask. But either because her partner couldn’t show up or she didn’t mind me as much as I thought, I found out just now that I could share a table and it was 1 hour and 30 minutes past the pre registration deadline. Things like these just always happen to me lol. Nobody believes me when I say my luck sucks, heh. But in the end I can always twist it and call it my fault. It’s my fault that I didn’t ask earlier. I didn’t want to sound like I’m pestering people.

On a second throught I can always say I didn’t have anything to sell anyways. Might’ve been a waste of 50 dollars. Might’ve been a waste of a nice costume that someone is making for me. Might’ve been a waste of a nice weekend I can spend doing something else.

Things just never go the way I want them to go, do they? Is it because I didn’t work hard enough again?

四つ葉のクローバーを見つけたら
幸せになれるの

でもね
内緒にしてて

クローバーの白い花が
どこに咲いていたか

その葉が何枚あったか

四つ葉のクローバー

貴方を幸せにしたいのに
貴方のものに

Who are those little girls in pain
just trapped in castle of dark side of moon
Twelve of them shining bright in vain
like flowers that blossom just once in years

They’re dancing in the shadow
like whispers of love
just dreaming of a place
where they’re free as dove

They’ve never been allowed
to love in this cursed cage

It’s only the fairy tale they believe.

——–

I ran through my transcript and calculated my GPA after weighting factors.. still too low. I have to work extra hard to bring it up to “pass” level if I even want to apply for medical school…

I checked my transfer application status and it says admitted. But now I don’t know if it’s actually going to help my GPA at all if I transfer to life sci. I might just be giving up a shiny Engineering degree for absolutely nothing at all. I still have to ask if I can still back out now that they accepted me. A beautiful future look like a fairytale to me right now.
I suppose I can always back out and go into MBA or whatever and find a job there. But then my parents always shame me with what I could have been. It’s so annoying. Parents say they don’t mind whatever you do and you can and should choose your own path, but when you actually do they start nagging at you about what you could have became had you followed their path and how the path you chose right now is mundane. It’s such a letdown. Maybe it’s just my parents. Maybe they got used to living through the admiration from other parents because they had a daughter they could show off in most cases and suddenly the showoff was a failure and they felt disappointed. As if I’m not disappointed in myself. I used to proudly accept praises from others. Now they just seem like pressure. A whole lot of pressure against a liar who no longer shines. I don’t know how I’m supposed to smile and accept “you are so smart” when I really just feel like fleeing from the spot in shame. I think I’m beginning to understand some of the frustration that I never thought I’d experience. Expect the unexpected eh?

And when I have emotional breakdowns, it pains me to realize what others cannot do for you. Surely I have friends who would ask what’s wrong, but when I actually tell them, I don’t expect anything other than “ganbatte” from them. It doesn’t actually help me, but since they’ve never experienced it, I can’t expect them to sympathize. I don’t even know if I want the sympathy. This is how it feels to be utterly alone?

Maybe I should just wrap myself up and curl under that mask I seem to have misplaced some time ago. After all, rain’s tear is unheard of.

Feeling a little desperate, a lot of regret, and fully incompetant to do anything about it. I wish I didn’t put myself in such a situation. Looking back, did I just act as a slave for more money? Most probably. Vanity has gotten the better end.

For every good thing I receive, it seems I must endure ten times the misfortune to compensate for it. Is it really worth it to have suffer ten times more for a little favour? Or is it better to just live a mundane, pathetic and sad life with no highlights or major suffering? I don’t know.

Please rely on yourself. Because everywhere you go, the world continues to hate you.

Where do you go when you have nowhere to run to? What do you do to escape the feeling of helplessness that is rooted deep within you?

Because I’m just a coward who’s running away.

Gotta study for midterm in friday +nod+

I was watching FMA the past few days and finished it this morning. Why does it have to be so sad :( I love Ed and Al and I just can’t get over the fact that they can’t go back. I like seeing them clapping their hands and do alchemy together. And I want to see Roy snap his fingers and burning things (oo destructive). :( I don’t like this ending at all, it’s too sad ;-; What about Winry ;-;. I was so happy when Ed finally went back, but WHY did he have to go back through the gate again. -____-;; Stop being so heroic dammit.

I actually liked Lust too :( she was true to her dream and her goal throughout, not like the other homunculi. Envy is sad, the rest are just brainless. Wrath is immature? He got mature in the movie though.. sort of. :x But they all died. The only homunculus I hated is King Bradley. I was happy he died lawlz.
Just… gaaah why is everything so sad :(

Desperation is the need to do something yet the inability to achieve it.

Something in my vancouver trip entry got tagged and I got 60 spam comments about porn and sex on it o__o; asdf?

I checked my grades and WOAW they are about 20% lower than expected. This is not good @_@ I didn’t think I did that bad =/ so I lost about 10 marks on my final grade already. Gosh this is stats and I know what I’m doing too o__o wth went wrong.

.. oh right there’s a question I didn’t have time to finish and that was worth 28% of the midterm. hm hurray. o-o;; I fail miserably. =/

Midterm next friday. study study study. !motivated.

My friend told me I don’t have the grades for med school today. And I know he’s right. Which made me sad. I really wish I didn’t go into eng sci now. Heh. Stupid vanity. +looks for restart button+

Too bad there’s nothing anyone can do about it ^_^