Rain’s blog

A city is a place where many people are lonesome together.

For about 7 years, I felt as if I lived in a vacuum. I didn’t feel connected to anybody around me. I was the stray thread hanging off the side of a giant spider web, so close yet so far away from the network woven in front of me. The feeling of isolation became a habit that was almost forced onto me. I’m not sure if I was entirely alone - someone once commented that I isolated myself by rejecting every helping hand offered to me - but I was definitely lonely. The difference between expectation and reality was quite vividly visualized before my eyes, though it is difficult to say whose fault it was. For years, this constant disappointment wrapped me in waves of confusion, depression, envy, and jealousy; I’ve cried, yelled, suffered and walked away. I didn’t belong anywhere, or so I felt. All this time, I was waiting for someone to understand me. But, perhaps some people only exist in dreams.

Then came along someone who claimed to understand me. I thought perhaps my wait was finally over. They seemingly easily pinpointed some of my deepest thoughts, to both my fear and my delight. I decided to give them a chance, to see if they were the person I was waiting for. Yet somehow, as time went by, I became more and more lonely again. When everything was in my way, was I really in the wrong lane? Maybe, just maybe, I ran into a bunch of stupid drivers? I blamed them for my misery, and that only caused more misery. Soon, I was on the rollercoaster again, heading straight down for ground zero. I’m not sure how many times was a heart supposed to break, but I’ve lost count on mine. Maybe I wasn’t meant to escape this cyclic fate. Maybe I was destined to be a sacrifice in this set of gears, ground over and over again until I was no more. I lost track of when I became so tired of everything. Sometimes, I miss my distant but stubbornly alive self.

Would you save a drowning girl?

Wouldn’t it be funny if the Sleeping Beauty didn’t wake up to the Prince’s kiss? o.o

—-
“Which road do I take?”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter. If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

我的人生好像一个没有终点的马拉松。不停地在跑在逃，在为谁掩饰。知不知道我也会累？做什么似乎都在犯错，我没有水晶球来为我指点谜经。那么可不可以替我终结我本来就是错误的存在。

周庄梦蝶啊…

What would you like to do with your life?

a. listen to parents
b. listen to parents
c. listen to parents
d. listen to parents
e. all of the above

.. lol.

无尽的飞翔

这世界上有一种鸟是没有腿的，它一辈子只停下来一次，那次就是它死去的时候。

有一些人生来就是互相吸引的，就像我和小鞠。

我认识小鞠很久了。但我始终无法描述小鞠这个人，可能是她给我的印象太明显，抑或是太模糊了。

不知道是谁问过我，是得到后失去好还是从没得到过好。我说是后者好。既然最终都不能拥有，又何苦要去体验得到，让差距更加明显地摆在眼前。从天堂到地狱的落差太大了，我自认无法承受。我宁可就这样一如既往的守着自己的全部，满心期待地看着自己的奢望，让自己以为留有机会。

幸福的家庭只有一种，而不幸的却有千万种。我活在那只有一中的情况里，而我可以肯定在另外的千万中不幸中，肯定还有最糟糕的。

很早很早以前，我记得那天天空不是蓝色的。天很闷。没有太阳。小鞠跑到我家里来，我们全家正好在吃饭。她告诉我她家散了，接着她就哭了。那是我第一次见她哭，她一向是笑脸的。小鞠靠在我的肩上颤抖得厉害。当时我所能想到的只有“痛不欲生”。我得承认我很笨，除了说些无内容的安慰话外，基本上我是处于茫然的状态，无措地像个孩子。

没有经历过的人又怎么可能了解。我的生活里没有死结。

其实事情不算是突如其来的，因为罗马不是一夜建成的。我知道她面对这件事很久了，久得让人想不起是如何开始的，结局她早就该预料到了。偏偏小鞠是一个极会幻想的人。她说有可能这只是个噩梦，总会醒的。醒了就没事了。她能等待。

等待通常可以分成两种，有指望的和遥遥无期的。有些人习惯把一切都想象成最好，放在心里作为期待的结果。好像是小孩子看童话时对完美结局的在意。但童话是编出来的，理想和现实之间终究还是存在着不可逾越的距离。小鞠是个理想主义者，因此她可以得到的就只剩遗憾了。

有些梦是醒不来的。

之后我以为那就算结束了，以为悲剧就此落幕了，仿佛打过一个浪头后就会风平浪静了。谁知那仅是个开头。我几乎忘了还有后浪推前浪的古训。那以后的日子，她开始小心翼翼地掩饰，小心翼翼地逃避，小心翼翼地做一个女儿。几乎每次在路上遇到别人一家美满的场面，我就看到她落寞的眼神，跟着她又会跟我扯点莫名其妙的话题来掩饰她的心情。生活在小鞠的身上重重地敲了一个图章。好比患上了某种慢性病，有时候即便是岁月流逝了，也不见得会有任何好转的迹象。

于是，我让自己不要再相信“时间会冲淡一切”。

从小我就虔诚地信奉“人改变环境”。但事实上，在大多数情况下人是被环境改变的。人要遵循“适者生存”的法则。后来小鞠就不大一样了。也许她看上去还是原来的那样，但确实有一部分是变了。从量变到质变的过程是漫长的，结果却是显而易见的。她沉默的次数多了。她仍旧经常笑，没事似的。可她笑不由衷，我看得出来。小鞠变得像小时候吹的肥皂泡泡，在空中游游荡荡的，随时都会出人意料地消失。也有可能它只是变回了本身的小鞠。

磨难是一种成长的经验，在小鞠身上诠释这句话再好不过了。

我和小鞠喜欢在下午四五点钟的时候对着太阳走。小鞠说那时候的太阳很温和，淡淡的黄色，她喜欢这种脸上柔柔的感觉，宁静又安心。太阳把我们的影子照得很长，很淡。偶尔会有风吹乱小鞠不长的头发。我们走得很慢，因为到了高二后，如此闲情逸致的机会是不多的。小鞠不爱看夕阳，她说那种回光返照般的红色让她发抖。她不愿看到原来白色的云被染成紫红色又黯然成灰色，变的太突然了。小鞠忽然说这个社会是不适合她的。我想也是，这里不适合她，以前也许还有一点适合，现在不了。她或许应该住在那种安宁的地方，至少不是这里。她的精神太自由了，时常会和规定起冲突，弄的自己遍体鳞伤。

小鞠不是个好学生，好学生必须让老师喜欢的，所以她不是。一定有人把小鞠看成是个被贯坏的孩子。和学校大多数人比起来她不大用功，而且会违反纪律。用她自己的话来形容： 散漫的像饼干屑一样。她不在意成绩好不好。 小鞠说那不是她想要的，但她会在高三好好努力，为了不辜负她爸爸的希望。我一直想小鞠是很爱她爸爸妈妈的，也就因此而不断地受到伤害。就算没人是有意和愿意去这么做的，但有些事情就是这样无可奈何。往往人受到的最大伤害不来自那些想伤害她的人。

像所有孩子一样，小鞠也有过远大的理想。当她还是个只会满街疯跑的丫头的时候，她曾经想要做一个外交官或者别的什么有辉煌成就的大人物。后来，她说她终于知道这些不过是这个时代认可的成就罢了，她的价值不是为别人的认可而存在的。她幻想一种完美的生活。如果用英文表达的话就要用虚拟语气了。就现在来说，完整对于小鞠已经是白日梦了。明日黄花啊！

小鞠最大的心愿就是将来能简单而恬淡地活着。她喜欢靠水的房子，只要有一份平常的工作，难得还可以攒够钱去远行。这听起来很神话。别人不屑一顾地说那算是什么理想，只不过是特定时期里不成熟的想法罢了，我们还很 幼稚。也许是吧。小鞠说等到她达到她爸爸的标准后就一定要实现她的梦想。我相信也希望她会做到。她还要和我走遍云南。我们执著地迷恋着香格里拉那块纯洁而美丽的土地。每一个人的心里都会有一个地方的情结。在我们的心里是云南。

当每个人都在为荣誉拼命时，她在退出。我不知道，到底是世界抛弃了小鞠，还是小鞠抛弃了世界。

小鞠说她惟一想感谢上天的就是让她认识了我和阿勉，她因此而有高兴的理由。

小鞠和阿勉在一起已经两年了。阿勉是个有哲学气质的男孩子，重要的是他懂得小鞠。虽然没有一个人能够彻底了解小鞠，但相比之下，阿勉算是了解她的，甚至多于我。小鞠喜欢阿勉，可能很难再有人会给小鞠这样强烈的归属感。我见过许多人为许多目的和原因早就许多段感情。但他们不属于任何一种我所能表达的牵连。 有人说这时候的感情是不堪一击的，因为太纯而没有防御性。而有杂质的感情是会亵渎小鞠的，小鞠只能属于这样纯粹的感情。这样很好，真得很好。

阿勉有一句经典的话：完美不是别人给的，也不是自己做的，而是自己以为的。

蒙田说，人的痛苦不会停止积累。往装满水的杯子里倒水，结果只能溢出来。

高二的那段时间，小鞠很不开心。即使已经过了那么多年，她还是在父母之间的两难角色中徘徊和难受。小鞠依然没有找到一个让她站稳的位置，所以连保护自己也跌跌撞撞。父母在小鞠面前直接或间接败坏对方并乐此不疲。这场破裂居然会被说成两种版本，把小鞠唬得一愣一愣的。连我都有备受欺骗的感觉。所以人人都要求小鞠替父母着想，要体谅他们的心情。小鞠说那谁来为她着想，谁又来体谅她？然后她搬了家，多了一个当初引起她一切不幸的女人和女人的孩子。小鞠为此闹过，但不过是徒劳无益罢了。最终她还是尽力地在家里保持和平。她说她错了，不该闹的。她别无选择，她不能伤她爸爸的心。为此小鞠又和母亲吵过。她又说她知道对不起她的妈妈。小鞠问我到底什么样的地方才是家，她太累了，记不得了。

我觉得有的人还是失忆比较好。

我想象不出小鞠的确切承受和详细的心情，这对我实在太难了。我的生活远没有她的复杂。我只是知道那些没完没了的争吵和挖苦也许永远都会像魔魇一般跟随她，而我却无能为力，无能为力啊！

精神上的缓慢折磨是远胜于肉体上的剧痛的。皮肤被割伤有创可贴可用，但是如果心被割伤了，又要用什么药医呢？加谬说，当大地的想象过于着重于回忆，当对幸福的憧憬过于急切，那么痛苦就在人心灵的深处升起。我以前不大明白这句话的意思，现在算是懂了。小鞠给我的感觉就像是西西弗把巨石推到山顶，然后又无望地看着它落回原处。

可西西弗认为自己是幸福的。

有一次小鞠说她迟早会活不下去的。等到他不想再为父母考虑时，她也许就不活了。她说最好是意外事故，否则她会觉得自己又做错事了，难辞其咎。她说要是她真的死了，叫我别难过，她只是从一个不快乐的地方离开。我的脑子里一片空白。我没说什么，因为想不出有什么可以说出来让她好受。我害怕。我只是呆呆地看着她，想哭。小鞠笑笑并拍拍我的肩叫我别那么紧张，她不会那么快死的，她说她胆小，舍不得虐待自己，况且她也没想好怎么让我和阿勉不伤心。

我还是哭了。那也是在下午四五点钟，温柔的阳光照在我的脸上却有不可名状的零落感。

高二过得很快，末了还分了班级和寝室，即使是选同样科目的也不能在一起。我没能和小鞠分在一个班，那该死的电脑。阿勉也没有，他是因为人的缘故。小鞠说这是没有人道的决定。她无力改变什么。

高二暑假留给我的惟一记忆就是小鞠突然走了。她留下一张条，说她只是出去走走，不要担心她，也不要找她。她会回来的。我恍惚着，高兴着。

那天晚上，小鞠最喜欢的网球手退役了。我替小鞠看了新闻。我只记得那个人讲的一句话——

选择离开是一件很容易的事。

Today I was happy.

Even though truthfully much of what I did was just stand around shilin’s table and watch people come and buy her stuff, still felt rather happy about finding a spot where I can stay. I tried to stand inside the booth and help her get stuff, but everytime I think the staff isn’t going to check, I get kicked out for not having a badge. I’m just so very good at jinxing myself xD I wandered around by myself for a bit in the artist alley and the dealer’s room and found my favourite voodoo dolls. Too bad they cost so much I didn’t want to buy them :( I really want one for my cellphone though. I also saw tsubasa mangas for 11 dollars each, but I think I’m just going to get the complete set in china or something. I saw Kaze-hime and poli-chan from DA… very different from how I imagined them. Holly was too busy glomping shilin to notice me xD but that’s okee. Someone realized who I am and asked me for an autograph, I was flattered hehe. Probably just riding off shilin’s popularity though lol.

The the guy sharing a table with Shilin didn’t sell much stuff. This makes me rethink about sharing a table with her next year. Maybe I will feel very defeated if I constantly compare myself with her and I know I won’t sell as much. Need to learn to be easily satisfied. :)

I cosplayed as my original character, except nobody knows about her so nobody knew who I dressed up as. Two people that I lined up with spent an hour trying to guess who i was but was too embarrassed to ask. Some random guy told me I looked like his original character so I was like o.o I’m dressing up as my own chara? But he ended up giving me a free print for dressing up so I was like yay xD I also raided shilin’s prints, thiefing a copy each hahaha. I saw a lot of really nice costumes, making me want to make my own next year so it actually fits me x) I like Lolita dress and/or flowing dresses. Gotta learn how to sew. :( If Shilin dresses up as RO then I might do Sohee. I ♥ Sohee *o*

Maybe I will upload some photos later.

Anthro and quantum’s marks are back. o.o I like how whether or not I studied made no difference in the final grade that I got. Currently I /just/ failed quantum before belling, but since prof emailed us going “you can view the current histogram, but it will get adjusted in arriving at the final grade.” I’m guessing it will be belled enough that I will pass. Okees. =/ The class average for the final was 45%. lawlz;;

I guess I’m not going to medical school after all lol. My mum’s friend was all like you shouldn’t give up blah blah! Always look forward! But you know, that is provided there is something to look at in front of you. Right now there is none. I will just be wasting time staring into nothingness if I look blindly ahead. I think it’s much easier to switch to something more achievable than dying to reach for the something that’s clearly not going to happen.

Feeling like walking in a valley surrounded by to piercing cliffs, looking up at the thin strip of sky appearing out of reach. Once upon a time I was up at the mountain top bathing in sunlight, but somehow I must’ve mis-stepped and fell through the thin crack between the cliffs down into the abyss. Maybe I wasn’t destined to fly. Maybe I was supposed to live with the crocodiles, trying my best not to get devoured in this creek of desperate competition. Survival of the fittest, eh?

.. At least I have a job now. For a little while.

Where is the glowing light within my heart?

Once in a while I need to not feel so completely slaughtered :(

+dropkicks professors+

I think bio was my only passable exam -_- oiy vai.

—–

Missed AN pre registration deadline by 1 hour and 30 minutes. I always throught Shilin didn’t want to share with me, so I never dared to ask. But either because her partner couldn’t show up or she didn’t mind me as much as I thought, I found out just now that I could share a table and it was 1 hour and 30 minutes past the pre registration deadline. Things like these just always happen to me lol. Nobody believes me when I say my luck sucks, heh. But in the end I can always twist it and call it my fault. It’s my fault that I didn’t ask earlier. I didn’t want to sound like I’m pestering people.

On a second throught I can always say I didn’t have anything to sell anyways. Might’ve been a waste of 50 dollars. Might’ve been a waste of a nice costume that someone is making for me. Might’ve been a waste of a nice weekend I can spend doing something else.

Things just never go the way I want them to go, do they? Is it because I didn’t work hard enough again?

四つ葉のクローバーを見つけたら
幸せになれるの

でもね
内緒にしてて

クローバーの白い花が
どこに咲いていたか

その葉が何枚あったか

四つ葉のクローバー

貴方を幸せにしたいのに
貴方のものに

Who are those little girls in pain
just trapped in castle of dark side of moon
Twelve of them shining bright in vain
like flowers that blossom just once in years

They’re dancing in the shadow
like whispers of love
just dreaming of a place
where they’re free as dove

They’ve never been allowed
to love in this cursed cage

It’s only the fairy tale they believe.

——–

I ran through my transcript and calculated my GPA after weighting factors.. still too low. I have to work extra hard to bring it up to “pass” level if I even want to apply for medical school…

I checked my transfer application status and it says admitted. But now I don’t know if it’s actually going to help my GPA at all if I transfer to life sci. I might just be giving up a shiny Engineering degree for absolutely nothing at all. I still have to ask if I can still back out now that they accepted me. A beautiful future look like a fairytale to me right now.
I suppose I can always back out and go into MBA or whatever and find a job there. But then my parents always shame me with what I could have been. It’s so annoying. Parents say they don’t mind whatever you do and you can and should choose your own path, but when you actually do they start nagging at you about what you could have became had you followed their path and how the path you chose right now is mundane. It’s such a letdown. Maybe it’s just my parents. Maybe they got used to living through the admiration from other parents because they had a daughter they could show off in most cases and suddenly the showoff was a failure and they felt disappointed. As if I’m not disappointed in myself. I used to proudly accept praises from others. Now they just seem like pressure. A whole lot of pressure against a liar who no longer shines. I don’t know how I’m supposed to smile and accept “you are so smart” when I really just feel like fleeing from the spot in shame. I think I’m beginning to understand some of the frustration that I never thought I’d experience. Expect the unexpected eh?

And when I have emotional breakdowns, it pains me to realize what others cannot do for you. Surely I have friends who would ask what’s wrong, but when I actually tell them, I don’t expect anything other than “ganbatte” from them. It doesn’t actually help me, but since they’ve never experienced it, I can’t expect them to sympathize. I don’t even know if I want the sympathy. This is how it feels to be utterly alone?

Maybe I should just wrap myself up and curl under that mask I seem to have misplaced some time ago. After all, rain’s tear is unheard of.

Feeling a little desperate, a lot of regret, and fully incompetant to do anything about it. I wish I didn’t put myself in such a situation. Looking back, did I just act as a slave for more money? Most probably. Vanity has gotten the better end.

For every good thing I receive, it seems I must endure ten times the misfortune to compensate for it. Is it really worth it to have suffer ten times more for a little favour? Or is it better to just live a mundane, pathetic and sad life with no highlights or major suffering? I don’t know.

Please rely on yourself. Because everywhere you go, the world continues to hate you.

Where do you go when you have nowhere to run to? What do you do to escape the feeling of helplessness that is rooted deep within you?

Because I’m just a coward who’s running away.